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Share your talent with us...
Over the last few years I've met many, many eating disorder sufferers and one thing I've noticed is the talent that many of us possess. I've listened to the most amazing poetry and stories and I've seen some very beautiful drawings and paintings. If you have anything you'd like to share with us, please email me with your poetry, stories etc. and let me know if you want me to put your name at the end of it or not.
Ana
Life is a journey, I just got lost along the way,
The demon that visited decided to stay,
At first I felt power, feelings of self control,
Until that Demon inside me took over my soul.
Female, blond, 5ft 5 and blue eyes,
That demon named Ana ignored all my cries!
She broke me down slowly, then began to remould,
The picture was perfect, it was under control.
But how could I think that, then look in the mirror,
See that once happy girl, staring back at me in terror.
This body's my temple, controlled by my mind,
There's no room for two people, I must have been blind.
Now I'm fighting off that demon,
One day at a time,
It's slow and it's frightening,
but the future sure looks fine!
- ANONYMOUS
Anorexia
Bottled up inside,
Are all my feelings ready to collide,
So many things I fear,
I can not even stand to look in a mirror,
What am I to do,
When I feel so blue,
Everyone says eat,
But I am to weak to stand on my own two feet,
All I know to do is frown,
And to think food is what is bringing me down,
I am slowly laying here dying,
Maybe that is why I am always crying,
Even the doctors have given up on me,
But why does everyone but me see,
All people do is stare,
But why does no one seem to care,
But you know what I do see,
All the pain this is causing me,
So I am done trying,
Just let me lay here slowly dying.
- Jennifer Burrows
email: little_pebbles83@hotmail.com
Hold On
Just hold on,
It can be done.
You try so hard
But you only run.
Your in a maze
With no way out
You see the light
But can't reach out.
You want to feel
What you've always dreamed
Someone Help
You've screamed and screamed.
People Care
But you don't believe
They cannot see
What you percieve.
Your convinced
You can't be loved
You only dream
Of up Above.
You've lost so much
You haven't won
But just hold on,
It can be done!.
- ANNA
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"HELLO, my name is ED..."
You invited me in a long time ago and I guess I'm overstaying my welcome. Well come to think of it I invited myself in and you obliged, because I made you feel secure, confident and powerful
Now I have made you my home. I need you and you need me. I will tell you horrible things and confirm all your self-doubts. Your hunger and emptiness weakens you, feeding me. Your fear allows for my bravery. Your fragility gives me strength. Your loses are my gains. Your defeat is my triumph.
Yesterday I ate the calcium from your bones for breakfast, leaving you with a brittle, fragile frame. All day I snacked on the lining of your stomach leaving you with ulcers . For dinner I had your stomach, leaving you dizzy and light-headed.I have long since consumed the buffer of your emotions, gobbling up your happiness, confidence, laughter,joy,security....
Tonight I will nibble at your memories leaving you confused and without a past and soon without a future. I nibble at the corners of your mind and snack on those memories and thoughts until I have won and you have lost. For breakfast I will have you last breath of life.
I am your excuse your outlet for pain and your best support. You've needed me to survive the last years. I make you isolate and forget your problems. I numb your feelings and make you warm inside. I protect you from the world which can be so bitter and heartless. I make you miss out on the precious present. I make you sick .I make you cry. And if you don't let go, I WILL MAKE YOU DIE. I make you feel lonely and scared. I make you worthless and sorrowful.I also give you strength and energy . I feed you and me`. I've always been their for you when you think nobody cares. But its time for you to grow up to move on to bigger and better things. You've taken everything I has said so seriously. I labelled food good and bad. I've told you you're a failure and a disappointment to your parents. I've told you its amazing you have friends and its unbelievable anyone could care. I've said the most terrible things anyone has ever said to you and you listened as if I was God. You've taken it all to heart and let it shape you and mould you. I control your life. In order to get rid of me you must stop listening to me. My advice had gotten you nowhere. You need to realise you have give me complete control and then you need to take back what is rightfully yours. In order to get rid of me you must stand up for yourself and believe yourself. You must learn to love yourself and stop waiting for my acceptance.............for I will never approve. It is possible for you to exist without me. You must find your own identity and become your own person.
The end
- SHEILA
"THE JOURNEY"
March, 2001
I can think of very few afflictions that are as painful as eating distress. To eat is such an everyday thing that I can't imagine how difficult it is if that task becomes an unbearable barrier in my life. I can only begin to understand how difficult it is to suffer from a complaint for which there are very few outward signs. I can only delve into my own experience to try to understand what it is to fight a negative self image every minute of your waking day.
Eating distress in my opinion is too focused on the eating environment and not enough focused on the negativity environment.
"A person can live for 40 days without food.
For 4 days without water
For 4 minutes without air
But not for 4 seconds without HOPE"
Having HOPE is being positive.
Most of you reading this would not consider yourself as being negative. Neither did I. I think it would be interesting to develop a positively test. Most of us would fail, not because we are explicitly negative but because we are not explicitly positive.
I have spent over 20 years with my wife. She is the most wonderful person. Full of love, sensuality and sensitivity. For those 20 years plus, she has lived in fear and fought negativity. She was able to subdue it in our earlier life, but as years go on life inflicts wounds and the inward wounds fester. She succumbed to the internal negativity (which fed on the external negativity) and developed one major symptom, an eating disorder.
She has fought so hard for over 6 years now to overcome it and is at a high level of recovery. She has learned a lot but that's for her to tell.
What have I learned. I learned how weak I am. How weak I was to deal with any distress in my life. I learned what being positive really is, and it's not "not being negative". I learned what commitment is, because real commitment means no excuses. I learned what being focused is, because you don't win unless you are focused. I learned that no matter how educated I was I head to learn all about life. I really knew nothing about how to help when it mattered most. I learned something about unconditional love. "O Man" when Our Lord Jesus talks of unconditional love we really have no idea what He is talking about. Real love is unconditional love and, though I have children, parents, friends and am married, I knew nothing about unconditional love.
Do you know what a diamond is? It is an almost perfect stone formed through enormous pressures, heat and hardships. But it is almost perfect. Anyone in eating distress is on the way to becoming a diamond. The process of recovery, no matter how long and no matter how difficult, is the process of forming that diamond. The journey for the carers, those who love the sufferer, is also a process of forming a diamond. The journey is so tough, so difficult and so long, but so worthwhile. At the end of it you, the carer, find a diamond and then surprise, surprise, you see that you too have become a diamond.
Twenty years plus on. My wife, thank you for making me face up to the real challenges in life and for making me become a diamond. I'm still very imperfect but I am so close now, keep teaching me.
God Bless.
Michael
ANOREXIA
Don't cry little child, don't cry anymore
I'm here for you now, to pick the pieces off the floor
To stop those tears from falling, to ease your aching pain
To water your withering spirit, to give you life again
I couldn't stop it from taking you, to make your life go wrong
The beast of anorexia was so powerful and far too strong
It demolished all around you and broke your little heart
It quenched your flickering flame and ripped your soul apart
But I can beat it now, I can pull it away
The pieces of your life now can be repaired day by day
So don't cry little child, you no longer have to feel the pain
And every day I feel you inside getting strong once again
- ANONYMOUS
EATING DISTRESS - A MOTHER'S EXPERIENCE
In October 1999 my daughter was diagnosed as suffering with Anorexia Nervosa. At the time
She was only eleven years of age. Over the next couple of months her weight plummeted, she lost
Two and a half stone in that short period. My daughter was fading away in front of my eyes, she did not eat, she did not talk very much and her lovely laugh was gone completely. A hug or cuddle was out of the question "don't touch me" she would scream. I felt scared, I felt petrified.
My reaction was I suppose normal. She is far too young to worry about her appearance and weight. Isn't it teenagers who do that! She enjoys her food; she enjoys going out to play with her friends
She enjoys television. How many times have I had to look at the same programmes over and over again.why won't she just eat, why. How little I knew. If it was only that simple
Over the following months I learnt a great deal about anorexia nervosa and the consequences of this terrible illness. The first thing I learnt was that anorexia is not about eating. It is about control.
Sufferers have lost all control of their lives. They're minds have become totally consumed with negative thoughts about themselves, they see themselves as being worthless human beings, they feel they deserve nothing at all from life, to have life at all baffles them, they feel they are a burden to the ones who love them so much, they think how could anybody love such a horrible person. All rational thought is gone completely. The negative mind has total control. It saddens me that I was so ignorant of this illness. That I thought it was all self inflicted that vanity was the cause of anorexia. A sufferer truly believes that to put on weight, to eat is to be a failure.
I know for a fact that many people when asked about anorexia would say that it is a self-inflicted illness or indeed not an illness at all. This ignorance will have to stop if lives are to be saved. Anorexia nervosa is a life threatening illness and people do die from it. It has no respect for age, gender or social standing. It can attack anybody at any stage in they're lives and it can kill.
What causes eating distress to start in the first place? There is no definite answer to this question. In the case of a child like my own daughter bullying played a big part, jeering. perhaps it was just one unkind remark about her appearance that triggered it off. Sexual abuse can be another factor where the person feels guilty for what has happened to them, they feel they were responsible. Peer pressure is another factor. Teenagers especially are so easily influenced by the media, the glamour of the pop stars etc.
I have suffered tragedies in my life as all people do but to discover that my daughter, my precious child was anorexic was the biggest shock of my life. When did she start to change, why did I not notice sooner maybe I could have prevented it? I am just an ordinary mum; I love my children with all my heart, where did I go wrong. My daughter hid her illness well. She would wear layers of clothes to cover the fact that she was so terribly thin, she would say she had eaten at a friends house, the moods swings I put down to her age. How was I so blind to all the signs? For many months I carried all the blame for her illness. I now know different. Nobody is to blame. Anorexia just happens sadly it just happens.
There are many complications associated with anorexia or any eating distress illness. Over the past number of months my daughter has suffered quite a few of these. Her kidneys have been affected, she is constantly cold due to circulation problems, there have been times when I have actually seen her turn blue from the cold, her heart rate has slowed down, her hair has become thin and lank and in December 2000 she was diagnosed as suffering with osteoporosis. She is only thirteen years old.
I know that I am biased, but to say that my daughter is beautiful is an understatement.
She is a kind, loving, sensitive person. She will not say a bad word about anybody.
She is a tall girl with natural blonde hair and dark eyes and when she smiles her whole face lights up. I did say I was biased! This terrible illness has robbed her; it has buried these qualities so deep that she sees none of this. It has made her deceitful, angry, she has lied many times, she has screamed at me and the rest of the family, she has used language that I don't want to repeat, and she has cried so many tears. My little girl is so sad that it breaks my heart to watch her. On top of all the medical problems she has suffered she is also dealing with compulsive behaviour disorder. Anorexia has consumed her and the entire family.
Our family has been affected greatly by this illness. We have been consumed by it also. As a mother if is difficult to deal with the child that has the illness and the other children. They do not understand exactly what is going on. They may be resentful of the sufferer, they may feel neglected by they're parents and jealous of the attention that is given to they're sibling. Sometimes they just don't want to know. They just want life to be the way it was. It is very difficult to balance it all out.
My child is still suffering with anorexia nervosa. I have spoken of the terrible things she has said and done throughout her illness but I have seen glimpses of my child more often lately. I know that she is still there. I know that when she explodes it is not the girl I love but it is the negative mind playing up. I have learnt all the tricks, I know when the condition is speaking to me and when my child is speaking to me. I had to learn as much as I could about the illness in order to be able to help my little girl, in order to pull her out of the hell she is living in her head. I know this is a mental illness now,
Not self-inflicted as I thought at first.
When my daughter was diagnosed I felt terrified I did not know where to turn for help. My first instinct was she needed to be in hospital, she had to get nourishment urgently. My doctor referred her to a child psychiatrist and to my utter amazement she recommended anti-depressants. I was shocked to say the least; she was told she had to put on weight, if not she would be admitted to hospital for treatment. The negative mind was never mentioned. The doctor was harsh with my child and this attitude put me on my guard, I investigated what "treatment" meant. What it meant was that my child would be force-fed if necessary, she would be put on bed rest, she had to gain a certain amount of weight in a certain time. She would maybe see a doctor once or twice a week for maybe ten minutes. There was no compassion any sympathy for her suffering. To me this was just not an option.
I was fortunate, extremely fortunate to find a clinic in Dublin that deals with eating disorders. When I rang to find out more information about treatment and about the illness itself I was so relieved to be listened too, to be given a ray of hope. I was told my daughter could be cured.
Dealing with a sufferer of anorexia is not by any means easy. It is a twenty-four hour job, it takes over your life, it takes over the household, and it can abuse and reject you. Without the help of the clinic and the knowledge I have obtained there I do not know if I could have coped. The counsellor my daughter attends has on numerous occasions helped by through a difficult situation, explained what I should or should not do, the clinic has been my lifeline.
I feel it is imperative that people be made aware of this illness, that it is not about food but control of the mind. Doctors must learn more. They should learn from recovered sufferers about how it fees to be trapped in a negative mind, of the despair and loneliness. A sufferer of an eating disorder needs compassion and understanding just like any other illness.
If you have a child or relative suffering with an eating distress problem please contact
The Marino Therapy Clinic, Marino Mart, Fairview, Dublin. Telephone: 8333126
Without the help and support of the people in this clinic I do not know how either my daughter or my family could have coped.
Signed.
A mother
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As ice cracks beneath my feet
you carve my heart to resemble your own
unseeing, unknowing
I follow your stare
like a child to the moonlight
a tramp to the dumpster
cold to your heart
unable, unmilling
not wanting your hand in the storm
yet still your heart controls my own
- FREDDY
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"DADDY"
I want to paint you with words
but your death is too rude, too cruel
for the naked eye to witness
a story, an alibi, you give me a
life of lies to lead,
your story, one of anti-receptive
extra related dysfunctional hierarchical magic
nothing of you makes sense and
your weird, twisted body
has been eaten by worms in the dungeon feast
you leave no memory - deserve no sympathy
as I grant nothing you want
will I ever see you alive
my kin of useless divide
you dwindle
and form my divide
life is barred from me.
- FREDDY
Dear Mother
I'm not really sure how to start this letter. Maybe I should go back to early childhood memories and start from there. I loved you so much, yes so much, and I am honest with myself I still do but at the same time I hate you more than I have ever hated anyone.
You hurt me so much and you still do. I get angry with myself that I let you to do that. All the cruel things you said and did from little things like toys gone when we came home form school or toys broken on Christmas day to bigger things like telling me every day I was fat and stupid, I was no good and I would never amount to anything. It makes me wonder why people like you do have children. Do you think that it is coincidence that both, my brother and I wish we were dead at different stages of our lives? It wasn't that you beat the crap out of us, it wasn't that you told us so many lies, it wasn't that you flipped and screamed like a lunatic if we did anything wrong, like drop a biscuit on the floor or spill a glass of milk. These things do not scar, this is not what I remember most prominently, and this is not why my brother and I have such a low self-esteem. We are this way because we never felt and heard anything from you other than hate and resentment. For us there was no going to mum when we had problems, you just shout at us and say what do you want me to do about it? There was no coming to you when I was bullied at school, in trouble, needed someone to talk to, needed comfort, basically no going to you for absolutely anything at all.
As a little girl I looked up to you, believing everything you said. I remember a time you told me to tell teacher after I have been caught taking extra milk home from school, that I had take it as I liked warm milk and when I brought it home you heated for me, I think that was one of the only times you ever spoke to me nicely, and it was a lie, you wanted me to take lots of milk home from school for you, for the house as you didn't want to buy it.
I can't remember one time you said anything for real, gave me attention, a hug or even told me or showed me you care. I thought I had forgiven you previously for all you would do and how you made me feel. I realise now that I haven't, there is lots of resentment still there. I think I can get over the fact that you will never be there for me as a mother or even as a friend. At the moment I am most upset about the fact that I had never had the security other people I know had, the security having your parents to come home to, who would ask how my day was, who would acknowledge my existence. Or for example if you want to go travelling off somewhere for a while like I have wanted to and have somewhere to stay for a while when you come back. Or just security of having somewhere to turn to if things went really wrong in life, this is what I resent most at present.
I was there for you when people you loved died, when you fought with my dad, you were only there to smile smugly and make your snide comments when something went wrong for me. I can't explain how much that hurt me but that was your intention wasn't it? Were you jealous of me that you had to be smart when my boyfriend broke up with me, I think in a way you were, whether or not you realised it. I think you were also jealous of the relationship I had with dad, there was something that I gave him that you never could - intelligent conversation, someone to share ideas and opinions with who could actually understand them never mind hold his own, you never know this. You hated me for it; you know you are very ignorant women yet you pretend to be something else with strangers. Even this day I believe if something happened to me you would overcome it with a perverse feeling of happiness, just like you always had done before. I am struggling at the moment trying to forgive you, I am trying to see your point of view, you suffered a lot with my brother's behaviour (although what you don't realise he is fucked up because of you), you never had a good relationship with your own mother, she was a another reason why you couldn't relate to me and now her death must have brought all this up for you to deal with, especially your guilt, or do you have feelings?
Will I feel really guilty about our relationship when you die?
I think you have messed up my values and personal beliefs, you were unstable when I was a child as I have been unstable in parts of my life, maybe it was your parents and society who moulded you to be the person you are now. At least I try to become a better person, you pushed me down every step of the way if you could, but I would try to help you even now. I dislike you a lot, but I will always love you and maybe one day I even forgive you.
- YOUR DAUGHTER
Jezebel
Life where beauty plunders,
Fun house mirrors,
Pretty lies of paradise
Where death relieves life
And food is fat
And fat the enemy.
Follow, follow her down
The yellow-brick road,
Skip deeper into illusions
Where dreams are suddenly
Nightmares
And jezebels mask
Dissolves into
Darkness.
- ANONYMOUS
Bulimia Nervosa
Always one step ahead,
But only of herself.
Walking the lines she drew -
Her rules
Where weakness equals
The temperature of Hell
And punishment reigns supreme,
Where the sun might rise in majesty
Or blood drips from her thorns,
Where emotion is forbidden
Though she suffers
By the tips of her own
Sharpened bones.
- ANONYMOUS
Chaos
Can you see through the Karma bracelet?
Grasp reality, stumble upon truth,
Merge with men and women,
God loves you,
Get out of here,
Eat, eat, please eat,
Don't eat
STOP!
Unable to see beyond the next
Slice of bread,
Oozing blackberry jam,
'No butter, thanks.'
Deceit, devious mind,
Seventy, seventy four...
All lies, nothing but lies
'You're lying to yourself.'
Renaissance eater, you see yourself,
Making, breaking,
Breaking, making new rules.
Products of wheat,
Products of earth
Make you heave
Make you sick.
Jot down your feelings
On the margin of
A page.
- ANONYMOUS
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THIS COULD BE YOUR WORK!
Poems, stories or whatever you would like to share...
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Poems, stories or whatever you would like to share...
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THIS COULD BE YOUR WORK!
Poems, stories or whatever you would like to share...
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THIS COULD BE YOUR WORK!
Poems, stories or whatever you would like to share...
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